Jesus Hates You

Dear Rach and Bort:
I am writing to you to ask why you are so angry. I stumbled across your blog when I was creating my own on Christian values and I read some of the angry derogatory comments and the way you wrote about your friend and I just want you to know: Jesus loves you and once you accept Him into your heart the anger will go away.  I am pleading with you to please accept His love. Jesus loves all of  Gods children. I am praying for you.  Anytime you want advice about Him please ask.
Signed
Crazy about Christianity

Dear: Christians Under New Thoughts
I'm Jewish
Toda Lach,
Rach


Dear Crazy about Christianity
While I appreciate your offer of prayer, I must admit I am not really interested in Christianity. I understand that while this is very important for you but it is not for me, not something I believe in. Everyone on this planet is different and I think that all belief systems should be valued as long as they are not against the laws of society. My question to you is this: If this blog is so against your values why did you read it? I think that you have to respect the fact that this may not be for you and so it is not in your interest to try to change it. I respect your way off life and hope you will respect ours.
Woof!
Bort

Stool and the Day of Christian Health Clinics

Okay well I had his friend. We will call her "Stool" because believe it or not that is really close to her name. Anyways we went to school together and she was this super religious virgin who seemed cool at the time. Anyways she "had" sex and was convinced she was pregnant so I got to go to a planned pregnancy clinic where I endured speeches about the evils of abortion and how God had chosen her to give the baby to a nice Christian family who needed a baby and all that other bullshit they like to say to make people feel like shit about themselves. After enduring all that I took her outside and told her "You know it is okay if you want an abortion" basically your body your choice. She told me what had happened and it came down to this: a blowjob. WTF!! She at the time was 22 years old and she did not know that YOU CAN NOT get pregnant by a blowjob. Well I lost it and started laughing, I couldn't help it. It was the beginning of the end of that friendship. The epic tale of "Stool" is not over and if you want to know come back for more details.

Dog Day Afternoon

Going for my walk today. I sidestepped the various spring puddles of melted snow and noticed the one thing that I dont care for. Dog poo. As a dog I also  poo and I know that it is a part of life but when it is not picked up by careless owners it can make my walk for me and Rach pretty gross. Part of having a dog is the responsibility of caring for it and picking up its poop. Rach hates that part and complains but she always does it because she is a good owner. If you cant pick it up think about how you would feel if you stepped in a big pile of poo that was melting in the sun. Not so good huh? Please respect others and yourselves.
A Big Woof
Bort

Things I Hate: Part 1

Kitten heeled shoes. I dont know if you own a pair but let me tell you. They are the fucking ugliest things in the world. People say "Well they are really in right now, Cameron Diaz wears them etc." I dont care about that, there is no excuse for this atrocity to your feet. THERE IS NO EXCUSE! Kitten heeled shoes are for the low class slutty girls who think that wearing a pair of bejewelled kitten sandals to the bar, makes them look "hot." Take a moment to think about those girls. Everyone knows one girl like that. She still wears Warehouse One Flare jeans and lycra low cut stretch tops and adds her sparkling crystallized kitten heels to complete the outfit. Makeup: Eye shadow in the matching color to her shirt, and Bonnebell lipsmacker even though she is 25. Struts around like hot shit in those shoes. Do you want to be thought of like that? Think about it and toss those ugly things in the trash.

Ken goes down of Skipper in front of Barbie: aka Cheating Sluts

Dear Rach and Bort:

My Boyfriend i will call him "Ken" cheated on me with a close friend of mine. We broke up and after a few months of him seeing her he came to me and begged forgiveness saying he knew he made a huge mistake and that he still loved me and wanted me back, I had cut both him and my former friend 'Skipper" out of my life, anyways the break up was so hard and I really want to take him back.  Should I?
Signed Barbie

Rach Says:
Dear Plastic Representation of what's wrong with the world:
   Have you lost your mind? This guy "Ken" cheated on you with some skank that you call a friend and then screwed her until he got bored with it and then thought "hey, might as well go back to my girlfriend now" and you are ACTUALLY stupid enough to take him back. Bitch I have no words for you. The only thing you should do is spread around town that she gave him syphilis and then screw one of his friends, preferably on his bed.

Bort Says:
Barbie:
It sounds like this guy treated you poorly and my heart goes out to you, nobody deserves to be cheated on. My question is this: What are your feeling for Ken? Do you think that there is no-one else out there for you? because believe me there is. Ken hurt you and  and I think the best thing for you to do is to work through the hurt and forget about him and work on making yourself happy. If you really want to take him back make sure that he knows how badly he hurt you and make sure it will never happen again. If he does you have to forgive him and leave it in the past it is not beneficial to constantly remind him of the past and to yourself. Do you think you are prepared to do that? Take some time to think about it and let me know. My thoughts are with you.
Licks,
Bort